Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
I'll start then shall i ?
And yes i know its an old one but hey .. .
.. . who cares they are usually the best!
Symbols of Christmas
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on and said “It represents a candle,”
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said, “you may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
“And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied ...
“They’re Carols”.
--
Martin :o)
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 00:08:48
gfisher 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Posts: 2725
Location:
Glasgow
United Kingdom
A Scottish Christmas Fairy.
I am a wee little fairy;
On tap o’ the Christmas Tree
It’s no’ a job I fancy
Well how would you like tae be me?
A’ tarted up wi’ tinsel
It’s enough to mak ye boak
An a couple o’ jaggy branches
Rammed up the back o’ your frock
An’ these wee lights a’roon me
I canna get my sleep
An’ there’s the yearly visit
Fae Santa – big fat creep;
On Christmas Day I’m stuck up here
While you’re a’ wirin’ in
An’ naebody says “Hey you up there
Could you go a slug o’ gin?”
The Christmas tree’s a bonny sight
As the firelight softly flickers
But think o’ me – I’m stuck up here
Wi’ needles in my knickers.
Merry Christmas all
--
and your point is................?
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 22:17:32
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
It was not long off Christmas and Billy and Ben decided to build an ice skating rink in the middle of their pasture. A shepherd happened to be leading his flock nearby and decided to take a shortcut across the frozen field. But the sheep were scared of the ice and would not go onto it. The shepherd became frustrated and began pulling them along to the other side. "Look at that," said Billy. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
--
Martin :o)
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 22:45:34
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
The judge asked the defendant stood before him what he was charged with.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," was the reply.
"Thats not illegal!" said the judge.
Puzzled ??? the judge then asked "How early were you shopping?"
"Before the store was open!" the defendant replied.
--
Martin :o)
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 23:00:16
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
A couple of days before Christmas, a business man was anxious to get home from a business trip. The trip had been exhausting and he was not in a good mood. The airport loudspeakers blared Christmas carols he was sick of hearing. He thought their decorations were tacky. The worst decoration, he thought, was the plastic mistletoe hung over the luggage scale. Being in a bad mood, he said to the woman at the counter, "You know, even if I were not married, I would not kiss you." That is not what it is there for," said the attendant. "It is so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
--
Martin :o)
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 23:01:08
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
Just before Christmas, two brothers were spending the night at their Grandmas house. At bed time, they knelt down to say their prayers. As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, "Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a Wii, a telescope and a new bike." His older brother said, "Why are you shouting? God is not deaf." "I know," said his brother, "but Grandma is."
--
Martin :o)
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 23:03:09
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
I'll put my hat & Coat on before i post this next one ok !!!
--
Martin :o)
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 23:04:02
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great.
He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife, "Look honey. It is raining."
She, being the obstinate type, responded ...
"I do not think so, dear. I think it is snowing."
But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife ...
"Let us step outside and we will find out."
Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain.
So Rudolph turns to his wife and replies ...
Wait for it ...
...
"I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
--
Martin :o)
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 23:07:39
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
What is red and white and black all over? Santa Claus after he slid down the chimney
--
Martin :o)
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 23:08:05
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
Santa Claus has a fear of getting stuck in the chimney. It is called Claus-trophobia.
--
Martin :o)
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 23:08:32
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
Santa goes up and down so many chimneys that he is thinking of getting a yearly flue shot?
--
Martin :o)
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 23:09:19
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a duck? Christmas Quackers
--
Martin :o)
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 23:10:14
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
Who looks after Father Christmas when he is ill? The national Elf service
--
Martin :o)
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 23:10:52
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas? Santapplause
--
Martin :o)
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 23:11:19
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
What does Jack Frost get for Christmas day? A Freezer
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-22 22:44:51
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Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-22 22:49:06
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 23:03:09
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 23:10:52
Festive Jokes ... - Posted on 2009-12-23 23:11:19
