True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-20 22:13:37
Ducatibird 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Posts: 999
Location:
Nottingham
United Kingdom
PUBLIC LOO ...
When you have to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women,
you smile politely and take your place, it finally gets to your turn,
you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every one is occupied... but
eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the cubicle.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has
been so long you are about to wet your knickers! The dispenser for the
modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty.
You would hang your handbag on a door hook, if there was one, but there
isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank
down your knickers, and assume "The Position."
In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the
seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Position."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach for -
horror of horrors - an empty toilet paper dispenser.
Your thighs start to shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you
blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your handbag which
is now burning your neck and shoulders with the weight. So you contort
your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in
the deep dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled 'used'
tissue no bigger than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door and because the latch doesn't work it hits your
head which is bent over from holding the hanging handbag, and you start
to topple backward. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door
and drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just retrieved
with your index finger into an unknown puddle on the floor... if that
isn't enough you lose your balance altogether and gravity pulls you
down... directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet, of course, you bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too
late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and
life form that lives on the uncovered seat. By this time, the automatic
sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes,
propelling a stream of water like a fire hose into the bowl which sprays
a fine mist of water that covers your rear end and runs down your legs
along with the various life forms and down into your dishevelled
knickers which have now dropped down to your ankles. The flush somehow
sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty
toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe yourself with a piece
of gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out conspicuously
to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the taps, so you run
your hands underneath it grateful for the 2 drops there, then around the
basin itself.
You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting,
where of course there are no paper towels so you move over to the hand
blower, which, yes you've guessed it, also doesn't work. You are no
longer able to smile politely to the women, but there is an unspoken
understanding between you all.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you have a piece
of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED
it??)
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and
left the Men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is
your handbag hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It also
finally explains to the men what really does take us so long and also
answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the
loo in pairs.
It's so the other one can hold the door, hang onto your handbag and hand
you Kleenex under the door!
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-20 22:25:02
Assamite 125cc Learner
Joined:
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Posts: 27
Location:
Bristol
United Kingdom
Damn you learn something every day!...
*voews to start a toilet paper dispensing company that will stand a man outside every female toilet with a wadge of klenex*
--
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-20 22:30:18
ana 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Monday, February 20, 2006
Posts: 1299
Location:
colchester
United Kingdom
good one duc lol, obviouslly been to the same loos lol,,
--
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-20 22:44:07
weasleboy 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Posts: 694
Location:
belfast
United Kingdom
lol
--
to old to rock n roll but to young to die
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-21 01:13:21
gixxer 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Posts: 1563
Location:
sheffield
United Kingdom
hey! anyone ever seen a muslim in a public toilet? me neither! they must squat to pee.....
--
'it wasnt me! i only just got here!'
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-21 11:50:45
bear 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Friday, October 29, 2004
Posts: 5790
Location:
cumbria
United Kingdom
was watching BB a couple of years back and a muslim bloke was on it at the time. He explained that muslim men do sit to piss (summat to do with hygiene he said), exept when in a public lavatory when they go standing up.
it used to be the case that public toilets had an attendant that would ensure that the place was clean and equiped properly,Now youll be lucky to find a public convienience that isnt locked to prevent vandals and woofters getting up to no good in em, bring back the attendants, it would give someone a wage and it would be less likely that yer public bog got turned into a cottage or a smashed up and useless crapper.....
though of course that wont happen cos the councils want to spend the money on more important things like fact finding trips to barbados to find out how they deal with public transport issues and the like.
--
revenge is a dish best served...............with croutons
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-21 12:24:35
Roeby 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Posts: 8884
Location:
Derbyshire
United Kingdom
ok whos had a video camera in the loo when i have been in?????
--
Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-21 12:43:53
bear 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Friday, October 29, 2004
Posts: 5790
Location:
cumbria
United Kingdom
Grabitt and Run (soliciters) have said i have to (on behalf of OxnBear ent inc) deny all knowledge of such goings on roe .
there are no video's of anything like that in our virtual warehouse (we switched to DVD's ages ago cos we are all up to date and everything us).
--
revenge is a dish best served...............with croutons
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-21 13:04:34
Roeby 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Posts: 8884
Location:
Derbyshire
United Kingdom
i knew it!!!!!!! i thought i saw a paw under the door!!!!!
--
Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-21 13:35:45
gixxer 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Posts: 1563
Location:
sheffield
United Kingdom
apparently if you offer them your left hand(as if) its an insult , apparently they wipe thier arses with em then pour cold water from a jug over said hand! have the never heard of baby wipes! are baby wipes a gift from god or what?
long live moist towelettes .
--
'it wasnt me! i only just got here!'
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-21 13:39:07
gixxer 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Posts: 1563
Location:
sheffield
United Kingdom
by the way, did you hear about the paki who went to the doctors with diaohrhea ? he thought he was melting! -in memory of bernard-
--
'it wasnt me! i only just got here!'
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-21 15:53:42
bubblesloves69 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Posts: 1352
Location:
Next door to a pub in an interbred village, Kent
United Kingdom
Sooooo true
I would rather use a secluded area by a hedge than a public toilet pmsl
--
The louder you scream the harder I ride..... !!!
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-21 17:00:01
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
Hey those toilets sound really good compared with the download festival ones ... and im sure the same applies to those at Glastonbury ...
Kin ell its as much as you can do not to vomit before you even get it out let alone piss out of it!
--
Martin :o)
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-21 18:57:54
bear 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Friday, October 29, 2004
Posts: 5790
Location:
cumbria
United Kingdom
"OI dont call me a racist! by grandad died at auschitz you know!....... He fell out of his guard tower" Bernard Manning RIP..... he was quarter jewish and didnt care who he might offend cos at the end of the day if it makes someone laugh its funny!
--
revenge is a dish best served...............with croutons
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-21 19:24:29
franonacbr 1100cc Pro Racer
Joined:
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Posts: 399
Location:
beccles
United Kingdom
so im not the only one to suffer then lol. i still think port a loos r worse, u bang your head on the door when assuming position and if your legs give way and u pitch forward...just hope the door catch is a strong one or it could be embrassing falling out of it with your knickers round your ankles. pmsl....
--
The best things in life have 2 wheels
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-21 20:33:41
fredcbr6uk 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Posts: 513
Location:
beccles
United Kingdom
when you go abroad, you may have to pay 20p to use the loo, but at least they is an attendant there full time and they do keep the facilities spotlessly clean. I personally think this small charge is well worth it.
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-20 22:13:37
1 
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-20 22:25:02
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-20 22:44:07
True????? or Not????? - Posted on 2007-06-21 01:13:21
