And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:15:17
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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Location:
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Scene: The Post Office. When: The not-too-distant future...
Howard Tenji: Hello, I'd like to renew my car tax.
Post Office: Certainly sir. Would you like to speed things up by using your new identity card?
HT: Why yes, that would seem to be a jolly fine idea.
PO: Let me just rub it on my jumper and swipe it... Mr. Tenji... Is this the tax on the clapped-out Astra?
HT: Yes.
PO: Bit of trouble with the MOT this year I see. Jesus that wasn't cheap! Still, at least the speeding points come off your licence in August - that's something to look forward to. 'kin hell, that Magistrate really hammered you didn't he? Probably took exception to that membership of the Young Communists back in your student days. Six months or twelve?
HT: I was only in the party for four months...
PO: Not according to this. Actually, I meant the car tax.
HT: Oh right. Twelve.
PO: How would you like to pay?
HT: Barclayard.
PO: No, you're up to your limit on that, what about the Capital One Card?
HT: I don't have one.
PO: Says here you do... oh hang on... no the bloke using that is in Glasgow at the moment buying DVD players. He's run up quite a bill for you there mate. Try the Switch card.
HT: Here you go.
PO: No, something wrong here, won't let me complete the transaction.
Let's have a look... ah... yes... your TV licence has expired. Are you going to pay that too?
HT: Well, I thought I would leave it till next month.
PO: On your head be it. Do you want some Euros while we're at it? Two weeks in Marbella, eh, you lucky devil. I see you're flying BA. Good choice.
HT: Er, yes I'll do that now. Give me 500 in mixed notes.
PO: It'll have to be 200 I'm afraid. The car tax has taken a bite out of your funds and your monthly ID card purchase fee direct debit is due out of the account tomorrow. Right, there you go. Have a nice day sir.
Tesco checkout
How Tenji: Hello, can you sell me a one-month travel insurance policy?
Tesco: Yes sir, let me have your ID card... Thanks. Do you have any current health problems?
HT: No, nothing.
Tesco: You sure, sir?
HT: Yes, why?
Tesco: Well it says here you were at the doctor's last week.
HT: Oh, that was nothing serious.
Tesco: Let me just... Oh yes, touch of the old Farmer Giles... No that wont be a problem. Probably sitting on cheap charter flight seats that's to blame. I see you're going British Airways this time around, though.
Very wise. Oops, pressed the wrong button. [Picture of How Tenji's hideously empiled anus appears on every plasma screen in the shop, accompanied by name, address, telephone number and email address].
Old lady in queue: Oooh they look sore dear. Have you tried Anusol?
Tesco: I see your car had a bit of a struggle with the MOT. Garage not keen on Communists?
HT: Can we just do the travel insurance, and these frozen peas?
Tesco: Peas? Shall I just check that don't have a genetic predisposition to pea allergy? It'll only take a minute to scan your genome... I understand. You're in a bit of a hurry. Very good sir. Next please.
At the Bank
How Tenji: Hello, I'd like to open a deposit account please.
Bank Clerk: Can I see your ID?
HT: Do I have to?
BC: Yes. It will speed things up and prevent identity theft while ensuring that only those entitled to state benefits receive them. And it will prevent all forms of terrorism, everywhere, for ever.
HT: Yes of course. Here you go...
BC: Right... Mr Tenji... How may I help? Would you like a cushion?
HT: Sorry?
BC: Oh, I just thought... the frozen peas helped then?
HT: Can we just do the bank account?
BC: Of course sir. Right, you already have a current account with us but your holiday funds pretty well put paid to that until payday. Hmmm... Oh dear this Capital One Account is all over the place and your Barclaycard is at the limit. I see you've opted to pay the television licence a month late and your car is on its last legs. You don't look like a very good risk to me, sir.
HT: Hang on. The Capital One Card is nothing to do with me. That's some bloke buying DVD players in Glasgow.
BC: You seem to know an awful lot about him, sir.
HT: But it's not me, the chap in the Post Office told me...
BC: Lets look at the biometrics... Yes you're right, it's not you...
HT: Thank goodness for the ID card eh?
BC: Indeed sir, and just as soon as you get the Capital One Card paid off we will be glad to welcome you as a customer.
HT: But it wasn't me!
BC: No, but you seem to have known all about it since 09.43 this morning and haven't bothered to notify your card issuer.
HT: Every fkkr else seems to know about it; why didn't Capital One do something?
BC: Steady sir, there is the civil liberties angle. We can't just go round invading an individual's privacy willy-nilly you know. Oh crikey, I see you've taken out travel insurance. It doesn't appear to cover you for misuse of your Capital One card. Would you like a quote for that?
Home, sweet home
[Doorbell rings]
Travelling salesman: Mr Tenji? I am the local distributor for Anusol and...
TV licence enforcement: [Arriving behind the salesman] Mr Tenji, I'm James Doherty of the TV licencing authority. Here's my ID card.
Instant credit salesman: [Arriving behind TV licence enforcement] Our records show that you're a bit strapped for cash at the moment. If you'd just sign here I can offer you £5,000 right now at just 1,375,893 monthly repayments of £11.37.
Anti Terrorist Squad: [Arriving behind instant credit salesman] Can we have a word Mr Tenji? We gather that you lied this morning to a Post Office operative about the period of time you spent in 1992 as a member of the Young Communist party. I have to caution you that under section
12 of the...
Travelling Salesman: [Snatching card] Hold on, I was here first. You'll all get a chance to swipe... Oh yes, Mr Tenji, those are clearing up nicely. Now, do you want me to give you something for that pea allergy?
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:17:54
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price." A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:19:31
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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Airline Cabin Announcements
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline’s fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,” Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:22:33
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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Taking a woman to bed
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:27:03
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old
woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crises ...
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:28:29
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies: remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember: you're in this together. So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner." The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the teacher.
"I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:30:10
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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You may not know this but many nonliving things
have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, yet you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:32:18
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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The Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
1 DANGEROUS:
2 SAFER:
3 SAFEST:
4 ULTRA SAFE:
1 What's for dinner?
2 Can I help you with dinner?
3 Where would you like to go for dinner?
4 Here, have some chocolate.
1 Are you wearing that?
2 Wow, you sure look good in brown!
3 WOW! Look at you!
4 Here, have some chocolate
1 What are you so worked up about?
2 Could we be overreacting?
3 Here's my paycheck.
4 Here, have some chocolate.
1 Should you be eating that?
2 You know, there are a lot of apples left.
3 Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
4 Here, have some chocolate.
1 What did you DO all day?
2 I hope you didn't over-do it today.
3 I've always loved you in that robe!
4 Here, have some more chocolate.
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:35:23
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
(dont ask ive never heard of him??? probably american i guess ???)
anyway the quotes ...
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,
someone stole it. I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the
morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head
in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the Dr.slapped my Mother.
I went to see my Dr. . . Dr. Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this before? I said yes. He said well, you
got it again.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging past, naked. I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for alka-seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit of the Loom guys giggling.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:38:09
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be
very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr.Wallace, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas,
when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part
back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:39:45
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong.
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:53:58
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening." Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!" "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No... I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:54:40
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "
The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''
They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:58:47
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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HOW NOT TO COMMIT A BANK ROBBERY
Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.
Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.
Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.
Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.
Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.
Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.
Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.
Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:59:48
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns,
and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent
lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, Honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and
asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
strong, Honey. I love you, too."
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 16:02:07
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:15:17
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