And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:15:17
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
Scene: The Post Office. When: The not-too-distant future...
Howard Tenji: Hello, I'd like to renew my car tax.
Post Office: Certainly sir. Would you like to speed things up by using your new identity card?
HT: Why yes, that would seem to be a jolly fine idea.
PO: Let me just rub it on my jumper and swipe it... Mr. Tenji... Is this the tax on the clapped-out Astra?
HT: Yes.
PO: Bit of trouble with the MOT this year I see. Jesus that wasn't cheap! Still, at least the speeding points come off your licence in August - that's something to look forward to. 'kin hell, that Magistrate really hammered you didn't he? Probably took exception to that membership of the Young Communists back in your student days. Six months or twelve?
HT: I was only in the party for four months...
PO: Not according to this. Actually, I meant the car tax.
HT: Oh right. Twelve.
PO: How would you like to pay?
HT: Barclayard.
PO: No, you're up to your limit on that, what about the Capital One Card?
HT: I don't have one.
PO: Says here you do... oh hang on... no the bloke using that is in Glasgow at the moment buying DVD players. He's run up quite a bill for you there mate. Try the Switch card.
HT: Here you go.
PO: No, something wrong here, won't let me complete the transaction.
Let's have a look... ah... yes... your TV licence has expired. Are you going to pay that too?
HT: Well, I thought I would leave it till next month.
PO: On your head be it. Do you want some Euros while we're at it? Two weeks in Marbella, eh, you lucky devil. I see you're flying BA. Good choice.
HT: Er, yes I'll do that now. Give me 500 in mixed notes.
PO: It'll have to be 200 I'm afraid. The car tax has taken a bite out of your funds and your monthly ID card purchase fee direct debit is due out of the account tomorrow. Right, there you go. Have a nice day sir.
Tesco checkout
How Tenji: Hello, can you sell me a one-month travel insurance policy?
Tesco: Yes sir, let me have your ID card... Thanks. Do you have any current health problems?
HT: No, nothing.
Tesco: You sure, sir?
HT: Yes, why?
Tesco: Well it says here you were at the doctor's last week.
HT: Oh, that was nothing serious.
Tesco: Let me just... Oh yes, touch of the old Farmer Giles... No that wont be a problem. Probably sitting on cheap charter flight seats that's to blame. I see you're going British Airways this time around, though.
Very wise. Oops, pressed the wrong button. [Picture of How Tenji's hideously empiled anus appears on every plasma screen in the shop, accompanied by name, address, telephone number and email address].
Old lady in queue: Oooh they look sore dear. Have you tried Anusol?
Tesco: I see your car had a bit of a struggle with the MOT. Garage not keen on Communists?
HT: Can we just do the travel insurance, and these frozen peas?
Tesco: Peas? Shall I just check that don't have a genetic predisposition to pea allergy? It'll only take a minute to scan your genome... I understand. You're in a bit of a hurry. Very good sir. Next please.
At the Bank
How Tenji: Hello, I'd like to open a deposit account please.
Bank Clerk: Can I see your ID?
HT: Do I have to?
BC: Yes. It will speed things up and prevent identity theft while ensuring that only those entitled to state benefits receive them. And it will prevent all forms of terrorism, everywhere, for ever.
HT: Yes of course. Here you go...
BC: Right... Mr Tenji... How may I help? Would you like a cushion?
HT: Sorry?
BC: Oh, I just thought... the frozen peas helped then?
HT: Can we just do the bank account?
BC: Of course sir. Right, you already have a current account with us but your holiday funds pretty well put paid to that until payday. Hmmm... Oh dear this Capital One Account is all over the place and your Barclaycard is at the limit. I see you've opted to pay the television licence a month late and your car is on its last legs. You don't look like a very good risk to me, sir.
HT: Hang on. The Capital One Card is nothing to do with me. That's some bloke buying DVD players in Glasgow.
BC: You seem to know an awful lot about him, sir.
HT: But it's not me, the chap in the Post Office told me...
BC: Lets look at the biometrics... Yes you're right, it's not you...
HT: Thank goodness for the ID card eh?
BC: Indeed sir, and just as soon as you get the Capital One Card paid off we will be glad to welcome you as a customer.
HT: But it wasn't me!
BC: No, but you seem to have known all about it since 09.43 this morning and haven't bothered to notify your card issuer.
HT: Every fkkr else seems to know about it; why didn't Capital One do something?
BC: Steady sir, there is the civil liberties angle. We can't just go round invading an individual's privacy willy-nilly you know. Oh crikey, I see you've taken out travel insurance. It doesn't appear to cover you for misuse of your Capital One card. Would you like a quote for that?
Home, sweet home
[Doorbell rings]
Travelling salesman: Mr Tenji? I am the local distributor for Anusol and...
TV licence enforcement: [Arriving behind the salesman] Mr Tenji, I'm James Doherty of the TV licencing authority. Here's my ID card.
Instant credit salesman: [Arriving behind TV licence enforcement] Our records show that you're a bit strapped for cash at the moment. If you'd just sign here I can offer you £5,000 right now at just 1,375,893 monthly repayments of £11.37.
Anti Terrorist Squad: [Arriving behind instant credit salesman] Can we have a word Mr Tenji? We gather that you lied this morning to a Post Office operative about the period of time you spent in 1992 as a member of the Young Communist party. I have to caution you that under section
12 of the...
Travelling Salesman: [Snatching card] Hold on, I was here first. You'll all get a chance to swipe... Oh yes, Mr Tenji, those are clearing up nicely. Now, do you want me to give you something for that pea allergy?
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-11-06 19:11:47
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And Bill comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey ***FILTERED WORD*** put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.'
--
Martin :o)
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-11-06 19:14:45
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
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There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results are pretty interesting:
1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don
--
Martin :o)
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-11-06 19:15:28
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
I rear ended a car this morning...
I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".
I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's when the fight started!!!
--
Martin :o)
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-11-06 19:16:38
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
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Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch s bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
--
Martin :o)
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-11-06 19:20:27
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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Posts: 3628
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ***FILTERED WORD*** t'in me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ***FILTERED WORD*** t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
--
Martin :o)
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-11-06 19:22:24
Martin 1300cc Superstar
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Posts: 3628
Location:
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this
car park or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
--
Martin :o)
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-11-06 19:26:37
Martin 1300cc Superstar
Joined:
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Posts: 3628
Location:
Kent
United Kingdom
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
--
Martin :o)
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-11-08 10:37:28
fredcbr6uk 1300cc Superstar
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Posts: 513
Location:
beccles
United Kingdom
that was a bit of a marathon, but got though them, some really good ones there martin, cheers
--
if you gonna go, go with a smile
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-11-11 00:37:04
gixxer 1300cc Superstar
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Posts: 1563
Location:
sheffield
United Kingdom
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-04-21 15:15:17
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-11-06 19:14:45
And a Few more Jokes ... - Posted on 2007-11-11 00:37:04
